“Make Home a Place He Wants to Be”: The Marriage advice that changed everything
Growing Apart in the Busyness of Life
About a decade ago, I found Tim and me growing apart. Somewhere in the chaos of daily life, our marriage had slipped down the priority list—and I felt the effects. Tim was spending more and more time at work, and I found myself resenting it. I was home with our kids—tired, overwhelmed, and I desperately needed support. As a stay-at-home mom, my job was literally 24/7, and I was terrible at taking time for myself. My entire schedule revolved around the needs and activities of our children—and it was busy, to say the least.
It’s ironic, really. I had everything I’d always wanted, yet I didn’t have the energy to keep up. After school, the kids had sports, music lessons, dance class—you name it. I was the regular taxi driver, not to mention maid, chef, and emotional support hotline.
By the time Tim arrived home, I was torn. I wanted to hand the kids off and run away, but I also wanted to pepper him with questions. Was he truly that busy or just choosing not to come home?
Seeking Wisdom, why was I doing it alone?
When I struggle, I turn to my most trusted sources for help. (I hope you have those too—Google isn’t always the wisest counselor.) One of my favorite sources just happens to be my mom.
One day, while venting my frustration, she shared some wisdom her father gave to her when she was younger. Apparently, this isn’t a new struggle. It’s something that happens in life—and in more marriages than just my own. Life can be monotonous and full of challenges.
The advice she gave me that day was simple, and a little startling:
“If you want Tim to be home more, then make home a place he wants to be.”
Shifting My Perspective, “Make home a place he wants to be”
At first, I was dumbfounded. Why was that my responsibility? Wasn’t it his, too? But then the truth settled in—it wasn’t about responsibility. It was about desire. What did I really want?
I longed for him to be home more—but without realizing it, I pushed him away. I felt worn out, resentful, and constantly pointed out everything that seemed wrong or unfinished. He came home tired from work—but I was tired. Eventually, I had to stop and ask myself: Did I create a home he wanted to come back to? Or one he couldn’t wait to leave?
Still, I met him at the door not with warmth, but with a list: to-dos, expectations, complaints, and a mile-long string of wishful thinking. Why? Was I trying to keep up with the Jones’s? Or was I chasing the lie that I’d finally be happy “if…”? I’m not even sure anymore.
But I do know this now: that approach would never have worked. And poor Tim—he bore the weight of my unhappiness.
Choosing Change Through Self-Reflection
It took some serious self-reflection, and the change didn’t happen overnight. I realized I was focused on the mote in Tim’s eye rather than the beam in my own. (Thank you, Matthew 7:1–5.)
I finally understood that changing Tim wasn’t my job—he wasn’t the problem. But I was responsible for changing myself. So, I changed my focus. I began to try. I started truly listening to what Tim was saying. What was he really asking of me? What did he need? And just as importantly—what did I need?
I stopped nagging. I made a quiet list of the things I wanted done around the house—but I stopped pestering about them. He knew where the list was when he had the time and energy for a project.
When Tim walked through the door, I started greeting him with a hug and a sincere, “I’m glad you’re home.”
Learning Better Communication in Marriage
We started to communicate more openly. I stopped expecting him to read my mind. I know it sounds silly, but for a long time, I genuinely expected that. I thought he knew when I was upset, and exactly why. But most of the time, he had no idea.
“I feel” statements turned out to be surprisingly helpful. For example:
“I feel upset when you don’t call if you’re going to be home late, because I worry. I need you to call if your plans change.”
Clear communication made a huge difference. Tim began sharing his plans and even agreed to call if he was running late or feeling exhausted. He promised to pull over and rest if he ever felt sleepy on the road. Those small assurances brought me real peace of mind.
It turns out communication really was key—speaking and listening.
Navigating the Need for Connection
One thing I wasn’t prepared for as a mother was the lack of adult conversation. I absolutely loved spending time with my children, but when they were little—day after day, week after week—the craving for adult connection was real.
I didn’t see it coming, but that need created tension between Tim and me. He would walk through the door after a long day of interacting with adults, ready for peace and quiet—while I was desperate for meaningful conversation.
We were both running on empty, just in different ways. I had expected him to fill a need he didn’t even realize I had. But over time, I learned that he didn’t have to be my only source of adult connection. I also helped him understand what I was really looking for: not just words, but presence, partnership, and feeling seen.
Respecting Each Other’s Needs
I made an effort to listen to and validate Tim’s need for a mental break after work. And slowly, that break began to include time with me, instead of just zoning out in front of a computer game or a TV show.
The shift wasn’t instant—it took months, maybe even a year—but looking back, we can clearly see how those small changes added up to real growth in our relationship. Tim began coming home earlier when possible, and he was happier to see us.
One breakthrough came when Tim expressed his need for quality time with me—time away from the kids. Dates were wonderful, but he was craving more extended time together. That was difficult for me at first. I was so used to being constantly available for the kids, and that stepping away felt almost unnatural. But over time, I came to recognize just how important that time was. After all, God willing, our relationship will continue long after our children are grown—and nurturing that bond now is essential.
Our Yearly Marriage Retreat: One Week, No kids
Sometimes, our time together is as simple as a date night in our room with popcorn and a movie. Other times, it’s a little more extravagant. But what matters most is that we are intentional about being together. We also made a commitment: at least once a year, we would spend one full week away together on vacation with no kids. I won’t lie—I had some major separation anxiety leaving the kids behind. But I’d do anything for Tim. (And tips on how I handled separation anxiety would fill a whole other article—ha ha.)
These getaways have been full of adventure, connection, and so many unexpected blessings. It’s been amazing to see how thoughtful my husband truly is. Tim loves to travel, but more than half of our trips are to places he knows I want to see. It’s humbling—and deeply moving—to feel so loved in that way.
We had to learn how to make time for each other—because if you don’t make time, it won’t happen. We also had to prioritize making time for ourselves. Self-care is incredibly important. You can’t pour from an empty cup.
What Love in Marriage Really Means
Do we still have rocky moments? Absolutely. We are married and human! We still have to communicate, check in, and make sure both of our needs are being met. But I’ve come to believe that this is what marriage is really about.
This is what love really is:
- Love is time.
- Love giving and taking, serving and being willing to be served.
- Love is putting someone else’s desires above your own.
- Love sacrificing and finding joy in someone else’s happiness.
- Love is vulnerable—but it’s also the greatest pleasure.
- Love is the highest measure of joy in life.
I had been stuck in a mindset of misery—until I was taught wisdom.
The Power of Choosing Happiness
My mom also told me this:
“You can choose to be right, or you can choose to be happy.”
In marriage, that is a timeless truth. In life, too. We don’t have to agree in order to love. We can choose love. We can choose happiness. And we can choose to make our homes places where our people want to be.
So now, I try—imperfectly, but intentionally—to make home a place Tim wants to be. And in doing that, I have found it has become a place I want to be as well.
What helps you feel “seen” or supported in your relationship?
Has someone ever given you a piece of advice that stuck with you??
Let me know! I’d love to learn from you!! Comment Below…
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